Las Vegas: Summerlin, Nevada
- Population: 100,000 (2010 estimate)
- Exciting and pompous fact: What's pompous in Summerlin, stays in Summerlin.
Is Summerlin actually in Las Vegas? Las Vegas and
its "suburbs" are a confusing entity, all kind of linked together in one
major way, like your and everyone else's next blood test results when
you enter one of those giant casino hotel pool parties. What we do know
about the area is that it is a master-planned community, which is
basically developer-speak for giant homes on square lots and at least
three golf courses within easy Bentley-ing distance. Of course, because
this is Vegas and everything is 40 times bigger, the population of this
"suburb" is still hugggggeeee, especially compared to most of these
other places. But yeah, if you live around Vegas and you want to
out-obnoxious a place where it's somewhat normal to see 50-year-old
grandmas wearing scrunched mini-dresses at a club, start here. -- K.A.
Los Angeles: Santa Clarita, California
- Population: 181,557
- Exciting and pompous fact: It officially rebranded itself as "Awesometown" in 2010.
Imagine Los Angeles in all its vapid, lipsticked
emptiness. Now imagine its churchgoing cousin with a minivan, who
actually looks like those women in the Clorox Bleach Pen commercials by
day, and an unfiltered Botox "after" picture by night. Suburban
indoctrination here starts in high school, where 14-year-olds with
driver's permits are taught that lifted trucks with Mammoth decals make
the loudest mating call, and perfect prom curls are somehow the everyday
beauty standard. It's zero surprise that Disney Channel starlets and that werewolf from Twilight all hail from this gilded 'burb.
Sure, some of the West Coast's most talented chefs
are just a 35-minute drive away, but soccer-mom fears of what lies
beyond the canyons (traffic! Liberals! A/C-less bathrooms!) mean that
chains like Macaroni Grill are relegated to "destination restaurant"
status. But life here is optimistic. Everyone is cordial and "is middle
class," even if said middle-classer might live in ritzier Stevenson
Ranch, where homes push the million mark. Closely related to the
humblebrag, this dishonest, self-serving version of modesty is probably
what most people associate with Los Angeles. Say this for LA and its
most noxious suburb: they truly deserve one another. -- Michelle No, production assistant
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